I have been a bit quiet on my blog for the past week, and that is because Flare is in town again. If you don’t know who “Flare” is, please take a moment to read one of my earlier posts, where you will get to learn about my frequent unwelcome visitor.
This time Flare has brought with her a particularly horrible sidekick and that is what is known as Brain Fog or what I call “Bee-isms” to try and make light of it. Brain Fog is where my thought process can sometime get a bit jumbled and the wrong words come out of my mouth, despite my brain knowing the word I actually want to say. Sometimes, this can be a bit amusing, other times it can be downright frustrating and I feel a little bit silly.
However, to my family this is often a sign for them that I am pushing myself too much and I am needing to slow down. I am grateful, that they recognise this, as I am stubborn and will keep pushing on each day until I will make myself poorly and now they will step in before this happens. Even as I write this, I know that sounds an incredibly selfish thing to do, but to be brutally honest with myself, it is down to pride; I want to be the best mummy I can be and I want to be able to lead a completely normal life.
This is where I need to give myself a reality check and pull myself up from feeling too sorry for myself during “Flare’s” visits; I do lead a normal life, a normal life for me. I accept that pain, fatigue, medication and numerous hospital appointments will be part of my life, for the rest of my life and this is where I need to be organised. If I recognise that things are worsening, I deal with it, by consulting with the team of medical practitioners working with me. If my Lupus is in a period of remission, then I focus on what is working well at that time and try to remember what lead me to that point for future reference. Equally, I need to try my hardest not to fight on during “Flare’s” visits, swallow my pride and most importantly try to recognise the early signs and speak more openly about them to my family.
I know that all sounds idealistic and easy, but believe me it’s not and my fiancé often needs to remind me of the above and bring me back to reality gently. Especially when I am feeling sorry for myself or feeling that I am crap Mummy, yes, that thought frequently goes through my head when “Flare” comes to visit.
In my eyes I have the most wonderful family, a family who I love, adore and I am fiercely protective of. Over the next few months, I am making some big decisions, which I am doing in my own and my family’s best interests. I will write about them when the moment feels right, at the moment, I am not quite ready to share them yet. In the meantime, I will focus on being healthy and spending some quality time with my family.