Parent Shaming

I have noticed over the past month, there seems to be a growing trend on many of the parenting forums of what I am going to call “Parent Shaming”. This is the numerous posts mocking other parents for yes, you guessed it being a parent.

Last night on Facebook, I saw a post shaming a mum who was “being over dramatic” in a coffee shop. Her crime was simply reading stories to her toddler and role playing with his toys in the way that we all know toddlers love, with enthusiasm to bring their imagination alive and ultimately to keep their attention.

This post stuck a chord with me, it was as if the post on Facebook was written about me, for I am that parent who sits in a coffee shop and will read to their child and play in the same “over dramatic” way.  Why?, because that is the way we read a story at home and play with toys in the same way – why should we do it any different anywhere else? We do lower our voices a little to try not to annoy other customers, but we can’t always contain the excitement that may ensure, but that is the delight of childhood.

Let’s delve a little bit deeper into the parent who was subject to the parent shaming, who after all, for that particular moment in time, was only being the best parent they can be for their toddler. Perhaps, like me that parent was trying to manage their PNA (Post Natal Anxiety) that unfortunately, on that day crept up on them unexpectedly and that was the best way to do it whilst keeping an active toddler amused at the same time. Maybe, as a parent, they are simply keeping their child occupied until his snack and drink arrives, and their “over dramatic” interaction is just trying to avoid other customers hearing how loud a toddler can scream and yell! Or, maybe, they are supporting their child in managing an over stimulating environment, through distraction techniques.

Who knows?, and that’s the lesson here, we don’t know what’s going on in the person’s life sat next to us in the coffee shop, and likewise nor do we with other parent’s. Social Media has become entrenched in day to day life, what was once a passing comment in person, has become a comment that may go viral in a matter of minutes, and like this one it may strike a chord with a parent who is guilty to the act that is being so openly shamed. For a short moment, I felt my confidence being knocked and then I kicked myself, for I love story time and role play with my son, so why on earth would I change that for a flippant comment that probably never intended to go viral on social media.

So, let’s give parent’s a break – it’s one of the hardest jobs on earth, after all who works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for no salary, but the undivided attention of a little person dependent upon you. For me, it’s the best job, I have ever had, although I feel at times I felt that needed a degree to do it!

 

So, why the name Pumpkin?

Since starting this blog, I have been asked a number of times why I refer to our son as “Pumpkin” and not his real name.  There are a couple of reasons for this, Pumpkin is an affectionate name I often call him and have done since he was born and it seems the most appropriate name to use on my blog to protect his privacy at this time in his life.

The name Pumpkin stems from my labour being brought on early by a Pumpkin Latte (Thank you, Starbucks!*).  I had managed to avoid coffee all the way through my pregnancy and I had just 6 days left until my planned C-Section, when I had the biggest craving ever for a Pumpkin Latte.  Luckily for me, Starbucks had launched their Autumn Menu that week (Thank you, Starbucks!), so I dragged my partner out for a 40 minute drive to our nearest Starbucks to drink Lattes in a September heatwave!  I was feeling all very smug, until a few hours later when I had my first show, this was not supposed to be happening and my Midwife reassured me the following morning that this does not necessarily mean that labour will follow immediately and it will be more than likely that I will still be delivering as planned next week.

With a big sigh of relief, off we went with plans of how we were going to spend our last weekend as a couple before we become a little family.   Our weekend commenced with…yes a Pumpkin Latte.  After we made the 40 minute drive to Starbucks and were walking in, I jokingly said “I bet I go into labour after this” and how we laughed at how ridiculous the notion was.  Roll on 10 hours later, and I wasn’t laughing so smugly then, as labour had well and truely started (Thank you, Starbucks!) and 19 and a half hours later, this is how Pumpkin got his name!

The main reason for not using Pumpkin’s real name is, as parents we both want him to have a say when he is old enough, to whether he wants to have his real name used on this blog after all he is a person in his own right and will he want his childhood exploits easily found by his friends?  This is a conversation to be had will him when he is older, hopefully before the grunts and bedroom door slamming starts.

Additionally, for the same reason, I will not be using any photographs of Pumpkin, as I will leave it up to him to whether he wants his photograph to be used upon my blog at a later date, or not.

For us as parents, we grew up in a world where we are lucky enough not to have all our childhoods, experimental teens, and twenties shared on Social Media (Hooray!!!).  It’s a different world for Pumpkin, so until he is old enough and ready to make his own mind up, as parent’s we are going to protect him for as long as possible.

*This post is not in anyway sponsored by Starbucks

Dear Google, (Other search engines are available)

Dear Google

Over the past year you have become a good friend to me, there for me in my times of need, moments of panic, and pure baby related paranoia. You never once laughed at the random things I searched, questioned my parenting abilities, or mocked my already growing worry that I was failing as a Mummy. As for in that brief moment that I confided in you, it felt like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.

Here are some of my searches I have made over the past year (I am hanging my head in shame/embarrassment right now):

1. What are the black wiggly things in my baby’s pooey nappy? (Yes, google images were also required for this). Worry not, Pumpkin had not been infected with a biological disease, it was the aftermath of eating a banana for the first time.

2. Is it normal for a baby to….feel/do/smell/look? Believe me, I probably asked this at least 5 times a day. Just thinking about it now makes me cringe!!

3. What does teething really look like? Followed by are Amber Bracelets just a load of hippyguff? (Sorry to the believers out there). Pumpkin didn’t cut his first tooth until he was 11 months old, I thought he was teething at 5 months!!

4. Too much information warning!!! How long am I going to bleed for, as this does not feel normal and seriously don’t you think my body has gone through enough as it is?

5. What is the difference between baby blues and Postnatal Depression/Anxiety? I love Pumpkin more than anything in the world, so why did I feel like I wanted to cry one minute and the laugh hysterically the next or at the other extreme not go out?

6. What consistency should food purées be? Believe me…I made purées ranging in consistency between water and wall paper paste; and I am still unsure what was right for which stage of weaning, but still Pumpkin loved them all (or at least pretended he did)!

7. What jobs can I do working from home? I found my self searching this almost daily for the first four months of Pumpkins life, as I couldn’t imagine life away from him; it just broke my heart. Then I realised, that as Pumpkin got more mobile, there was no way on this earth was I going to be able to work at home and have him playing at my feet happily and contented. The reality would be far from the romanticised view I had after he was born…I would have a trashed home, a little boy with arms reaching up for cuddles and big blue eyes that would look at me and give me immediate mummy guilt for not paying him enough attention.

8. How can I make bath time safe? Pumpkin turns into Houdini at bath time, so far, he has managed to break/escape out of 3 bath seats and triumphantly stand in the bath whilst shouting “I do” at us. Sadly, my dear friend Google has failed on this point and therefore bath time for the foreseeable future is a two man job!

9. Where has my baby learnt the skills of a poo ninja when it comes to changing a nappy? I feel like I have lost all control of Pumpkin when it comes to a dirty nappy; he has mastered stealth moves which means he can flip out of a half-off nappy (taking half the contents with it) whilst fighting off all my attempts to catch him and turn him back over. Again, a Google fail in terms of advice…short of early potty training (I don’t think I can handle that quite yet), I have to sometimes, OK, who am I kidding, quite frequently turn to YouTubeKids, to distract Pumpkin long enough to clean him up.

10. Am I wasting my Doctors time if…? I quickly learnt the quick answer to this is NO! If you are worried, your parenting instinct has kicked in and you need to get your baby checked over. Who cares if you have made a fuss over nothing and your baby smiles contentedly at you and the Dr (Thank you, Pumpkin for that one!!). It’s always best and safer to get them checked out, after all not all of us have medicine degrees to give us that ability to rule out the worry that every cough, cry and scream that comes out of our baby, isn’t a serious illness.

Over the past few months, my searches have changed and seen me look up fun things like birthday cake ideas, tricycles and things to do in Somerset. Like old friends, Google, our relationship has changed; always dependable, we pick up where we left off and there are always good laughs to be had – after all when you your trapped in a chair with a toddler asleep on you, the searches can become a bit random…like conversations with a best friend after one to many Ciders/Gins/Wines/Vodkas/Coffees/Proseccos.

Thank you for being there!

The Lupie Mummy x

*please drink and use Google wisely.
**or like me, liken the feeling of being drunk to being sleep deprived and googling random stuff to keep awake, so not to wake the baby (before they are in a deep enough sleep) with the sound of heavy duty snoring that only a person with sleep deprivation can do when sleep finally washes over them!!
***This blog has not been sponsored by Google, it is just my own personal choice of search engine…others are available, I think!